coz you aren't an escape, but a shelter

A Long Time
reialmighty
Wow, it's good to be able to log in again and post a new entry that actually won't be read lol. It's almost two years from the latest post, and my english was fuckin' bad back then. Still now, but at least better.

So actually I'm not writing much these days, fyi I'm on my last grade in high school (oh! yesterday was the graduation ceremony) and officially I'm graduated and thanks God I've got university already. I'll be start my new life in college in August. Wish me luck.

BTW I made this account to post my fic tbh, but yeah maybe I was too lazy or what idk. Maybe this is the last time posting an entry in LiveJournal, but who knows :p

It's amazing to find my avatars are still EunHyuk lol I'm not longer an ELF. Not like I don't like them, but I just.... have to stop. For me Super Junior are different now and I can't hold it anymore. Buuuutttt EunHyuk is cute indeed in my avatar hahaha >w< I see why I loved him so much.

Bye, have a nice day!~

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dilemma
reialmighty
hi, on my phone now. Blogger wont lemme sign in hahaha.

Hmm.. I've dreamt abt my crush for seventh from last holiday till now. It's strange, huh?

Well.. The difference last night dream and others is this felt more real.

He was in the same idk what company was that but we were a reporter or something, working for what magz idk too. And i could speak normally to him.

We and the boss went to my (old) house, and he met my fam. When i asked him to play together in my room, my father not let him, so i went to my room alone.

But when i entered my room, it was nothing there. Just a desk and a board. In that time i realized that i already moved into my new house, and i felt empty.


Idk either why i can dreaming him like this. Ah, maybe bcoz i always watch romance anime lately LMAO

Posted via m.livejournal.com.


blank
reialmighty
i'm in the middle of english lesson now, but my teacher dsnt coming so we've free time. actually since i'm in social class, like what i thought i'd not have so many friends.

God, it's repeated again *sigh* but this class much better than 3 years ago. dnt want to remember, it was like in hell.

yea, i'm a person who hard to socialling. i'm passive one, wouldnt talk if not invited. my bad.

although my friends have already invited me, but i dnt know why i'm avoiding them. i like to be alone better. still together with jaget and my X5's friends.

hope the best for me in these 2 years. hope UI will give me chance to study in there, hehe.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com
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I Won't Forget You
reialmighty
Title: I Won't Forget You
Length: one-shot (doubt it :P)
Words: 3453
Pairing: Haehyuk
Genre: angst, drama
Rating: no idea, but i think... PG-13?
Warning: signals of smut but don't worry its failure and unbeta-ed :D
Disclaimer: nothing, just the nerd fiction


Summary: Hyukjae wants to remember his memories with Donghae
A/N: this is my first fanfic in livejournal and my very first English fanfic. i'm sorry if my grammar sucks and the story is bad XD




The wind played with Hyukjae’s hair, flew between grained of sands. There was still sunset, accompanied his last twilight in here. Hyukjae gazed at the permanent scenery, without sigh or smile. Bird’s flutters were being the back sounds silently without aware.

He was standing right there, no time to feel tired.

But, after some minutes Hyukjae laid above the sand ocean. His eyes still aimed nothing, and his mind was waiting for which memories did Hyukjae wanted to remember. His mind was running like flying dusts.

Hyukjae lifted his right hand, looked at his empty fingers. His other hand laid beside him, waiting for someone who would touch it.

Who should touch it.

But he knew there was no one around there, so he took some sands and threw them away without seeing. Hyukjae lowered his right hand, making it a blindfold so he could close his eyes.

In seconds, he thought he’d go to sleep. But something had just annoying him, shocked his body and heart, made some impulses for him.

What are you doing in here? It’s going darker, go home!

Hyukjae smiled when he heard his sound. He opened his eyes and stood, but later he fell again. He split his legs and screamed. His heart was beating so fast, dancing to emptiness. Then, he laughed and stood again, cleaned from sand that patched on his trousers. He went to his car and opened the driver’s door.



“Aish, Hyukjae! I’m wet now.” Donghae grimaced and flicked his shorts, stared madly at Hyukjae. Hyukjae laughed loudly, satisfied with what he’d done.

“You talk like you didn’t do the same thing, look what you’ve done to me!” Hyukjae showed desperately his shirt and shorts, either his hair was fully wet. Donghae tsk-ed.

“Don’t be silly, Hyukkie, who’s the first time throw me sands? Just prepared what I’ll do to you.” Donghae giggled and came nearer to Hyukjae; Hyukjae had a bad feeling about this.

Hyukjae was about to run but Donghae faster than him; he grabbed Hyukjae’s wrists and shackled them. Hyukjae struggled but Donghae stronger than him too, so he just begged his lover to free him.

“Hae, please, let me go. Yes, I was wrong but let me go!” Hyukjae begged with his puppy eyes, but Donghae had already immune with them.

“No, Hyukkie. I’m sorry but you’re hot when getting wet.” Donghae grinned and stared at Hyukjae who was already muted.

“Too… hot,” repeated Donghae, and without any warn, he kissed Hyukjae harshly until they fell to the sand.
Hyukjae moaned when Donghae licked his tongue, they were fighting in their mouths and Hyukjae knew he would lose, so he gave up and let Donghae did whatever he want. Donghae smirked when he knew he won.



Donghae laid beside Hyukjae after satisfied enough biting Hyukjae’s lips–and teased him. Hyukjae pouted but he smiled when Donghae grasped his free left hand. Donghae stared at Hyukjae’s eyes, looking for how much he had been in love with this one who stole his heart–his entire life. Hyukjae did the same, and he couldn’t stop smiling jerkily.

“Love you,” Hyukjae whispered.

“Forever I’m with you,” Donghae answered and kissed Hyukjae tenderly once again.




Hyukjae drove slowly and still aimed for nothing. He let his subconscious mind to drive his car, moved to somewhere he didn’t know–and he didn’t want bothered with this case. Hyukjae was driving with one hand, and the other hand was clicking on radio’s button, searched for a nice channel.

His eyebrows was shriveled when a melody met the air, filled the cavity.

He woke up when he conscious what the song was played, and he was driving slower and slower, but he wasn’t stop. He couldn’t stop. He just had to run his car or he knew he’d trap from the shadow. Again.

He knew this song. This was his song. Hyukjae looked straight; even he didn’t dare to stop the radio. His hand was shaking, and his hand fell down. He was using this one for him, and there was no reason Hyukjae didn’t remember.

There was no reason Hyukjae couldn’t remember anything for their memories, what they’d been doing these past years. Hyukjae grabbed the steering wheel; he turned around, stared at the blue-reddish ocean.



Donghae grabbed Hyukjae’s chin, wanted his attention more. Hyukjae forced to stare at Donghae, he slapped Donghae’s hand and avoided again. But Donghae laughed and hugged Hyukjae tightly, kissed his neck and left red mark on it. Hyukjae moaned and felt Donghae’s tickles from his waist.

“I... can’t... breathe… you, Moron!” Hyukjae breathed heavily and rejected Donghae’s hands on his body.

“Oops, sorry!” Donghae let away his hands from Hyukjae. Hyukjae bit his lips, mad at Donghae but Donghae wasn’t conscious about it. Hyukjae backed his body again, didn’t want to look Donghae. But Donghae turned Hyukjae’s body to face him and pinned Hyukjae’s shoulders to wall.

“Listen, I’m sorry, Hyukkie. I didn’t mean to forget, but I’m busy with this work. Please, forgive me, dear?” Donghae asked for forgiveness, but Hyukjae lowered his head, didn’t want to saw him. Hyukjae was trying so hard because he didn’t want the tears leaked, so he just bit his lips more until he felt the blood taste.

“Aww…” Hyukjae groaned. Before he touched his lips Donghae spontaneously took Hyukjae’s chin and screamed when saw Hyukjae’s bloody bottom lip.

“Hyukjae! Although you won’t forgive me but you don’t have to hurt yourself!” Donghae caressed Hyukjae’s lips and Hyukjae couldn’t reject it because Donghae grabbed his chin very strong. At least, Hyukjae succeed to push Donghae away and stared at him madly.

“Why do you care? Just fuck with your task and let me take care of myself,” Hyukjae walked to bathroom but stopped when Donghae carried and dragged him to their room. Hyukjae punched Donghae’s shoulders and kicked Donghae’s legs, but Donghae didn’t care and threw him to the bed.

“Hyukkie, please…” Donghae begged and went to Hyukjae’s top, but Hyukjae struggled until his hands both tied by Donghae’s tie above his head. Donghae licked Hyukjae’s lips, hoped the blood would stop. Hyukjae closed his eyes and shut his mouth, wouldn’t moan even just a bit. Donghae stopped when there was no blood anymore, they stared each other with different gaze.

“Away from me and untie me. Let me go to the bathroom,” ordered Hyukjae.

“No.”

“Hae, now. I’m going to mad.”

“You’re already mad at me.”

Hyukjae growled. Donghae sighed heavily and stroked Hyukjae’s hairs. Hyukjae closed his eyes and kept silent; he knew it was useless if he fought Donghae.

“I thought I can… do this, but you’re such a hot-blood. Hyukkie, listen to me, please?” asked Donghae, but Hyukjae won’t open his eyes. “Yes, I’ve been working so hard. But you doubt me easily, I will not ever forget your birthday, stupid! Never!”

Hyukjae opened his eyes slowly and stared at Donghae. He still didn’t believe on Donghae’s words.

“Then why are you doing this to me? Why do you’ve been working so hard? Why you ignored me so much?”

Donghae sighed and left Hyukjae in the room, he came back to the room again and untied Hyukjae. Hyukjae dazed at his lover’s attitude, he took what Donghae gave to him and then left the room again.

“Tell me when you’re not mad at me anymore. Happy birthday,” said Donghae before his last step to the living room. Hyukjae stared at a white envelope and opened it. He shocked when knew what was inside of it. Hyukjae couldn’t believe this. Two tickets to Jeju Island and a birthday card on it.




To My beloved, Lee Hyukjae

Happy birthday, my Hyukkie. I love you. I wish we can together forever, and I know we would.

Yours, Lee Donghae



Hyukjae was in the burst of tears. Donghae’s words, they weren’t anything deep means but he touched a lot. Hyukjae felt so stupid, of course Donghae cares about him!

“Hae, I’m sorry,” Hyukjae whispered and ran out from the room then found Donghae slept on the sofa. Hyukjae whispered ‘sorry’ once again, and slept with him beside the sofa, grabbed Donghae’s hand.




Hyukjae gazed two stars in the sky, the beginning of night. The stars shone very bright, made four corners in every sides, and Hyukjae watched every inch of them. Found nothing, but he still wanted to look. Actually, he himself didn’t know what he tried to find.

Suddenly he panicked and groped his pocket; he found a handphone in his one of bag’s pockets. Maybe he already comes home, Hyukjae thought. Hyukjae pressed the dialed call two times, and he put the handphone on his ear.

Hyukjae confused, at the tenth of calling sounds there wasn’t anybody held the phone.

Hi, yes, this is Hyukjae’s phone. I know this belongs to him but he won’t make any voicemail. So, please leave him a message because he isn’t around. Thanks.

There was silent in the beginning. Hyukjae very shocked when he heard his sound. He drove slower and slower until he stopped. He put his head on the steering wheel and softly cried.

“I miss you.” Hyukjae began sobbing and talked to the phone. “Miss you.” Hyukjae just squeezed the phone. Finally, he pressed end button and cried more. The last sound before he entered his dream was his vibrated phone in the bag. While the handphone that still in his arm, he held it tighter.



“Why you bought me that stuff? It’s fussed,” Hyukjae sighed at what Donghae was bought; Donghae grinned and forced Hyukjae’s head to lean at his shoulder.

“Well, what if you get lost? I won’t let it happen again!” Donghae shouted and avoided from Hyukjae’s hand who wanted to arrogate the handphone.

“Aish… I wasn’t lost! Already told you I’d to stay because of my work,” answered Hyukjae, still tried to arrogate. He added, “And if you mean I’m cheating for another man or woman, no I’m not, Stupid.” Donghae raised his right eyebrow, then he bit Hyukjae’s neck.

“Aww!! That’s hurt!” Hyukjae stopped to arrogate and caressed his neck while Donghae giggled, he embraced Hyukjae and kissed the bite-mark that became redder from soft pink.

“Sorry, Hyukkie, but I’ll do that again if you rejected.” Donghae smirked. Hyukjae rolled his eyes and laid to the bed.

“Over protective,” whispered Hyukjae but Donghae could hear him. He turned to Hyukjae and cupped his face with his both hands.

“What?” Donghae asked impatiently.

“Whatever.” Hyukjae stick out his tongue to Donghae, made Donghae pinched his cheeks. Donghae kissed his lips, neck, and the last was Hyukjae’s forehead. Hyukjae moaned, didn’t ready for the attack that suddenly came, but he hugged Donghae very tight.

“Love you too.” Donghae smirked, stopped the kiss and sat beside Hyukjae, sight seeing Hyukjae’s new handphone. “Don’t you want to make any voicemail?”

“For what? The one who would call me just you,” Hyukjae turned and hugged his pillow. Donghae looked restless and nervous, he caressed Hyukjae’s back.

“Well, Hyuk, actually I’ve already told our friends,” Donghae smiled, Hyukjae made an ‘o’ on his mouth. “And tell your other friends at your work…? Please Hyukkie, do it for me so I’ll know if you’re safe.”

Hyukjae melted at Donghae’s begged voice, he nodded and kissed him. “But I don’t wanna make any voicemail,” he said.

“Yes, you wouldn’t,” Donghae nodded, “but me.” Donghae closed Hyukjae’s mouth with his hand, laughing. Hyukjae struggled and licked Donghae’s hand, want to scream but Donghae made him couldn’t talk even moaned.
“Hi, yes, this is Hyukjae’s phone. I know this belongs to him but he won’t make any voicemail.” Donghae stared at Hyukjae and chuckled. “So, please leave him message because he isn’t around. Thanks.” Donghae pressed the end button, put the handphone in his pocket and let his hand from Hyukjae’s mouth.

“Aww, your salivas are too much!” Donghae sighed but he licked his full-of-Hyukjae’s-saliva hand.

“Hae, you’re cruel.” Hyukjae pouted. “I’ll delete it!”

Donghae laughed and went top of Hyukjae, put off Hyukjae’s sweater and kissed his nipples. Hyukjae moaned, grabbed Donghae’s arms.

“Go, delete it. I’ll make another one,” said Donghae while he went to Hyukjae’s lips, teased Hyukjae’s ass. “And when you delete it again, I’ll make it become worse.” Hyukjae moaned. Donghae licked all part of Hyukjae’s body while his hand unzipped Hyukjae’s trousers.

“I’ll… make… yours too…” Hyukjae breathed hardly, “Worse… than mine…” told Hyukjae with moans and felt his cock harder.

“Mm-hmm… Happy to hear that,” Donghae grinned, made Hyukjae tsk-ed and annoyed, but it was forgiven when Donghae once again kissed his lips before fucked him. Donghae teased Hyukjae’s hard member and sucked his earlobe.

“I love you. Lee Hyukjae is mine forever,” whispered Donghae.




Hyukjae stopped the car at his apartment parking lot. He still sat and watched his blank mind. All the thing that he could see just black and blur. After some blinks, his eyes stared unfocused on everything, he was like finding something.

His heart needed something that make he could remember even a thing.

He sighed heavily and opened the driver’s door, walking uncontrolled. His head was like spinning and pricked. He closed his eyes, but still opened a little so he at least can try to reach their room.

This time was the longest Hyukjae could arrive safely to the apartment’s door. He leaned to the wall beside the door, lifted his head and tears started begin. He didn’t try to remove his tears, only because he didn’t know when he could in this teary again.

For God’s sakes, Hyukjae, don’t you know what time is it?

Hyukjae suddenly stopped his cry, his heart was so crowded and his eyes became widen. He smiled, some part of his heart asked for relieved.

“Idiot.”



***



Sound of the closed car’s door broke the quiet evening. The birds already went home, so there weren’t any bird’s crows. Hyukjae walked step by step too smoothly, like he would destroy the footpath. He lowered his head and followed the street, wherever it brought him to.

Wherever was mean nothing if he remembered exactly where he would go. He didn’t know until when he could understand and should resist it.

But he didn’t reach the place he want to go, he itinerated the whole garden. Hyukjae decided his instinct to find it, hoped it was something still connecting between he and him.

Hyukjae giggled when he found his lover’s name carved forever on the gravestone. He ran a little and spontaneously squatted besides his grave.

He caressed the gravestone, the grave, the flowers and the weeds. He smiled while doing that, remembering how long since his last visit.

“Donghae,” Hyukjae pouted and spoke again, “Is it weird if I ask how are you?”

Wind’s fondle touched his neck. Hyukjae gazed at the mound.

“How are you?”

Silence.

“I know. Me too,” whispered Hyukjae. Hyukjae leaned his head on the grave, wished he could hug the entire land.

Hyukjae began to mutter a song, Donghae’s favorite song. The familiar sound felt exist, accompanied his voice, made it more beautiful. But Hyukjae’s smile and voice became disappear, and he nodded and sobbed while he bit his bottom lip, tried his best to not crying.

“You know what I’d say to you if I’m here,” Hyukjae smell the blood, he added, “here I am, watching stupidly of your silliness, begging your promises and complaining what you’ve done to me.”

Hyukjae lifted his head, watched him.

“What-you-have-done-to-me?” asked Hyukjae, grinded his teeth. “This isn’t the best way, you know. You just make me suffer alone and what I’d feel just a deep empty hole.”

Hyukjae cried, screamed his feelings out. Until today, he felt he hid them. Hyukjae muttered ‘stupid’ and ‘stupid’ until he tired and was about to overslept there.

“Hae… I don’t know this routine will continue like this or not, I even promise to myself to not cry in front of you, but…” Hyukjae stopped his words, shed his tears away. He smiled,

“I love you forever and it’d never change.”

Hyukjae stood and smiled at the nature’s painting in front of him. He left an envelope on Donghae’s grave. He watched the grave once again, and went home. Disappeared with heavy rain accompanied him.

Hyukjae wished something opened his letter.



Dear God,

I know it isn’t polite because I sent You a letter. I even rarely talk and dream about You, remember You, and I wasn’t care if You were exist or not. I hope You’re exist now, so You could read this thing.

How are You? What a stupid, of course the one who should how-are-you-ed is me.

God, I’ve a question. Just one. Okay, maybe more than that, but I promise it’d be not more than five.

Before this, I don’t know exactly how long, how many years this is happen. I’m confused, and I’ve decided to not think about that.

But I know, Donghae left me.

Please, convey him that I really mad at him. I mad at him so much. He promised me to never leave me, and now, he left me.

But–again, apparently my drama-life doesn’t stop until it. You know what I mean. I beg You, please, if Donghae asked You to do this, just reject it.

I’ve hard time, when Donghae left me I think I felt world become inverted. But when I know I HAVE to forget him, my world is broke now.

Why You give me this disease? I accept everything, even the one who could kill me, but not this. I’ve to die soon but I must to forget him. This isn’t fair.

I don’t know anything about Alzheimer, I even didn’t know it does exist, but the doctor told me that I will forget everything soon, slowly. And I’ve to die.

Why You not just kill me right now? Why this disease?

Why I’ve to forget about him?

While the precious thing I’ve just his memories.

I don’t have him anymore, but I had his in my heart and mind. Now, all gonna be disappear.

He had disappeared. The memories are going to disappear. And me.

Just–just me. Not our memories. Please, I don’t want to lose all of the moments. His voice, his smell, his smooth skin, his wet hair, his touch, his laugh, his cry, his smirk, his smile…

I apologize if I had done something wrong. But I begged You to not be punished with this way.

My heart is hurt when I can’t remember him, and hurter when I finally remember what I want to because I just have hopes to always remember him.

Dear God, please give me one chance to remember him once again. To keep him in my mind. Please let me die with him in my heart, warming it even I couldn’t feel the death.

Ps. Tell Donghae, this isn’t the right thing to protect me. This is his selfishness.




THE END



Ps.

The real one;




Donghae’s ashes became one with sands under the sea. Sometimes the fishes swam above made them flew, danced in the water. Parts of the ashes joined the routine, but connected with memories like TV show that couldn’t be stopped.


Donghae brought Hyukjae to somewhere they hadn’t ever came, the graveyard. Hyukjae’s eyebrows raised, a question mark looked on his eyes. Donghae gave him smile and embraced him, walked together inside the garden.

“What we will do in here?” Hyukjae complained.

“Well, I want to visit my father,” said Donghae, stared at confused Hyukjae. “Is it okay?”

Hyukjae nodded awkwardly and smiled, Donghae hugged him tighter and kissed his hair. They passed some rows and finally arrived at someone–Donghae’s father’s grave.

Donghae kept silent until some minutes, then he stared at Hyukjae. Hyukjae himself already watched him these 15 minutes, Donghae couldn’t stand his innocent looked again.

“Let’s go home.” Donghae grabbed Hyukjae’s hand and chuckled, made Hyukjae smiled jerkily. Suddenly Hyukjae stopped at the moment, gazed at one of someone’s grave. Donghae raised his eyebrows and turned at what Hyukjae saw.

Nothing strange, it was normal grave like people had. Donghae touched Hyukjae’s cheek and asked, “What’s wrong?”

Hyukjae silent and he stared at Donghae confused. “Your name,” muttered him.

Donghae turned and watched the gravestone, found his name on it. Donghae laughed, tighter his grasp and stroke Hyukjae’s hairs.

“It’s okay. Not just me named Lee Donghae, people did.”

“But…”

“It’s okay, it’s okay. I won’t leave you.”

Donghae kissed Hyukjae’s hair, caressed his back to make him calmer. Hyukjae gazed Donghae sadly and they began to walk again, went to their beloved home.





A/N: thanks for reading, your critics are welcomed :D

Hello... Again?
reialmighty
Hi, i thought i wouldn't continue this account coz apparently i dont really understand hehehe. But quatre_morts helps me.... :D

So... I'm writing my fic now, my very first english fic. Just some parts again and i'll finish it hahahaha >:D *giggles*
It'll beta-ed by Kaire (man, idk her lj's account). Oh, and i changed my layout too.

Bye~~
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the first
reialmighty
this is the first time i post in here...


actually i wanted to make a lj's account from 2 years ago, but i was too lazy... hahahaha
maybe i'll post my fic later, i've to translate it to english first =__= and my english is suck, sorry >___<

okaay, see yaaa :D
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